speachless dreams are screaming for me...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:25:37 GMT

I need, want, desire, would benefit from, going back to school.
I do not have money.
I pay for health insurance, car insurance, student loans, gas, food, cigarettes.
Saving money is not going that well.
Quitting smoking isn't going that well.
Smoking weed, is going wonderfully: special thanks to scott, timmy and sal.
Some friends are getting very close to not being friends.
And I know that sounds harsh, but I'm tired of putting the effort in to nothing.
Work is repetetive. Same time, same people, same days of the week.
not much has changed.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 03:43:56 GMT

I have bandaids on my fingers.
I put them on almost every day.
I have dry,cracked, bleeding skin.
It's from work, it's fom the weather, it's from smoking.
But to be honest, I think it's from my mind telling my body that I have unresolved issues
that need to be dealt with and untill then, they won't heal.
I'm covering my insecurities with dollar store bandaids.
And at some angles it looks like nothing is there at all.
The colors just blend together;
skin to plastic and plastic to skin.
Thats what I think.
Or maybe it's just ecezema.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:48:14 GMT

Fall always makes everything better.
We were a little shaky for awhile,
but I believe with colder weather,
and warm nights,
things will be fine.
just fine.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 21:45:32 GMT

I am twenty years old today.
That's all.

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:37:20 GMT

I'm not losing my mind, I'm just losing everything.
I've lost my cell phone charger.
It's not in my car, in my house, at work, in john's car, or john's house.
I'm tired of looking.
I notices that both of my modest mouse cd's are not in my car.
Did I lend them to someone? Did someone take them?
I've been having awful dreams.
In one of them I watched John cut off his own dick.
In another, I was trampled by a tsumnai, survived, but not well.
Another one I was driving down Laroe and when I turned on my brights,
I collided into a pack of deer.
It's terrifying to dream of such horrid things.
I feel frazzled.

I've been sleeping at home more often than usual.
I sleep in the living room because without the tv on, I feel completely alone.
I've bought a pack a day this whole week.
I have $11 to my name untill Friday.
I need to get out of my own skin for a few days
...any suggestions?

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:51:38 GMT

You belong to what you understand.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:04:54 GMT

I spilt a cup of shitty hotel coffee all over my cell phone.
It won't turn on but I can still get voicemails.
If you need me, leave a message and I'll call you back...
if I remember your number.
Otherwise, I think I'll be out of a phone untill a month from today.
(that would be my birthday)

The high-life isn't my life.

le sigh.

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 16:05:42 GMT

This is the biggest road bump,but it leads to the most beautiful road.

The last few days, we've been stuck on that boat ride from the Chester Carnival.
We have our moments of being up, but like gravity,we always come down.

I managed to taint the most perfect thing I've ever had,
and he replyed, "but you tainted it the the best color".

We will be fine. We are strong. We are smart.

End of conversation. If you don't know, you won't.
If you do, you'll never know all the details.

No one knows us better than us.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:50:25 GMT

There is nothing I can do to change what happened.
Everything is about to go overboard; thrown off a cliff, and I can't stop it.
I have no say, but I have everything to lose.
You are my everything. There is no one else.
I got scared, I got nervous, I was angry and annoyed.
I still cant fathom that what was done was really me.
i'm missing part of my heart, I have been.
I don't know who took it, or where I put it,
but that empty space is growing.
I have always been the one who fucks up.
I don't know how to get out of it.

How could you see this coming and not try to stop it.
You were angry, not upset.
You told me, remember?
You told me.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:12:51 GMT

I started working at Cafe a la Mode yesterday.
It's a little confusing. The few staff members I met were nice.
But, they all seem to be fending for themselves.
And everyones scared of the owners.
My efforts of trying to get away from Starbucks are not working well.
I'm thrilled I found a new job, but I don't think the Cafe was where I'm supposed to be.
I was gaurenteed a job at C&G deli in a few weeks,
and yesterday Designer Fragnance in the Commons offered me a job.
They're right next to Starbucks, and I know all the girls there.
But even those jobs...I'm not too excited about.

It will be the start of three years since highschool.
Doesn't that scare some of you?
I've done nothing. I've made friends,lost friends,
had the same job and got nowhere in college.

I want something different.
I want to be somewhere different.
I want to experience something different.

Off topic: Kidnapping is scary. Over 2,000 children are kidnapped a day.
Thats my future biggest fear.Having a child, and having them taken away.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:15:24 GMT

My boss sat me down the other day and asked me if I liked my job.
I said I didnt really have any other options since theres no where to get a job right now.
I cried infront of him when he told me 12 out of 14 coworkers have complained about me.
He said I don't smile infront of the customers.
He said I need to pretend to be happy.
I told him I'm just not happy to work with him because I don't like him.
And that a lot of regular customers don't like him either.
He said that if anyone complains, I'll be written up, and shortly after, dismissed.

So, I took that as a sign to find a new job.
And I did!
Once I call Scott back, I will start training at Cafe A La Mode in Warwick.
It's off the books, decent pay, and great tips.
I'll also be working with Kristen, who is Johns sister.
The have really good Chai drinks there.

On top of the Cafe, I managed to get a job at C&G deli, right by my house.
I can walk there, and most of the staff is leaving in a month for college.
I'll have two great jobs, and make more money than I did at Starbucks easily.
The deli is on hold untill August, but the Cafe I'm starting either this week or next.

I needed a change.
I've hated my job for almost two years.
And now I can save money to go to culinary school,
and I'll have Starbucks, the Deli, and the Cafe as back-up.
Sweet deal man, sweet deal.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 03:58:37 GMT

I am utterly exhausted.
I would cherish a vacation.
I posses no money.

my camera is filled mith half-assed songs.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:45:35 GMT

I am very lucky and I know that.
I have parents that are loving and easy going.
I have an understanding family.
I have a brother who knows me better than anyone.
I have the potential to be something.
I have friends who care.
I have John, who is everything to me.
I have freedom.
I always have a place to sleep and eat if needed,
in many different towns and cities.
I have a voice that wants to be heard.

I'm happy that I have what I have.

I worked all day yesterday and went home to John.
We fell asleep together and set an alarm to switch beds.
When he got up for work, I went into his room and kept sleeping.
It was comforting. His dad got me some breakfast when I woke up
and I started my morning by eating a bagel and watching The Soup.
Did you know Adam from American Idol is out of the closet? good for him.

However, on my drive home, I accidentaly hit and killed a squirell.
When I looked back, his two squirell friends ran into the road to get him.
They were mourning. I feel terrible.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:08:21 GMT

I know.
I know the emotion is there.
I know that its been there.
But time is not on my side lately.
Maybe it never was.
Drinking for seven hours straight was fun.
I saw a lot of people that I've missed.
I wish I saw the people I saw tonight more often.
I wish things weren't so layered.
I wish my total at Subway wasn't $6.66

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:56:28 GMT

I think that because I watched the all day marathon of Land of the Lost,
I got lost in myself today.
There was a part of me that needed to come out,
but unfortunately, I didn't know it was happening.
He saw it the second it came.
He questioned; he investigated.
Which was comforting.
I had no answer but a side tracked story.
And he knew that it wasn't the problem.
But had he just gotten my shirt from the living room when I asked,
the whole situation wouldn't of happened.
I'm just going to pretend it didn't.
Until the day I really want to discuss what was locked inside the filing cabinet in my mind.
The moment we left his room things were back to normal.
Maybe its just all the writing on his wall.

Last night I had a dream that Janice and I were in a baking competition together
and she was mad that I only made a plate of cookies.
When she herself made hundreds of pie-strudel looking pastries.
There was glow in the dark graffiti everywhere.
There were old faces and blurred writing.
And then the dream changed to the movie Santa Clause.
And I was sitting on the roof top with the reindeer and the dad and the son.
And we argued about how many presents each house should get.

Who dreams about Christmas in June?

Thu, 28 May 2009 06:09:54 GMT

Today I arrived to work on time.
I spent my seven hour shift with my favorite ladies.
My boyfriend happened to get his hands on Cake tickets for this friday,
so we are going to the city to see them.
I took a shower.
I spent a few hours with Lauren and Arlo.
We went shopping and had some good laughs.
I purchased marijuana from Scott.
I met his son, Elijah, who loved me.
John and I smoked with his friend Bobby and ate at KFC.
I fell asleep in his arms.

All of these things made today a perfect day.
I didn't gamble, maybe I should have.
Life is good.

Wed, 27 May 2009 03:58:16 GMT

I have a gut feeling that tomorrow will not be my day.
But my heart is full of hope and excitement.
And my head is full of unimaginable dreams.
So maybe, maybe.

my savings is dissapearing like a cruel magic trick.

Thu, 21 May 2009 13:19:43 GMT

Everyones favorite piece of shit is dying.
My baby car is in the hospital getting surgery today, all day.
Last week I went to get her checked out because a piece of her heat sheild fell off.
Her hazard lights are out, and her brakes are running thin.
Today I dropped her off because I hit a pothole at 2am two nights ago.
I had to remove her hubcap so she would stop hissing everytime I turned left.
Her tires are going bald, she's getting old.
And her diolysis of an oil change is a ruetine procedure she is undergoing today.
I would appreciate if everyone could keep her in their thoughts and prayers.
Hopefully she'll make it through the summer.
I was really starting to love her and now its getting too late.

I've had a headache for days now.
When I take advil it helps, momentarily, and hours later it comes back.
I've been sleeping a lot but my eyes are sunken in and dark.
However, the sun is shinning and the summer breeze is coming
so I'm going to push my aches and pains out of mind and enjoy the weather.

I would like to let everyone on livejournal know what my school situation is like,
but its a sad story and one I would rather not get into at this point.
I would however, like to congratulate those who have passed this semester with flying colors.
You did well, you deserve a pat on the back.

I'm going to take a shower and prepare myself for this day of mystery.
Maybe I'll paint outside for a bit or doodle.
Enjoy the weather!

Tue, 12 May 2009 05:02:02 GMT

He reassured drunk Danny that he would marry me in time, and go back to The Country to find him and make him the best man.
When I asked him about it later he said he'd been thinking about our future a lot.
I didn't mention that I had been too.
So I told him to just grow some balls and marry me.
And he told me to shut the fuck up.
And we laughed.

Tue, 05 May 2009 21:26:13 GMT

My mind and my mouth have not been cooperating.

I underestimated my age today and my attempt to be an adult.

Maturity wise, I suppose I'm still a kid in others eyes.

I was bitched out through text messages from a thirty-something year old today.
Things are changing. I knew it wasnt a good idea, or a reliable one.
Everyone cheer because I'm not leaving Starbucks.
I'm not going anywhere.

And neither is anyone else right now.
You just have to love what you have,
cherish what you get,
and laugh it off.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:38:13 GMT

I'm slowely starting to realize that no one is in the same boat as me.
what happened?

summertime and the living's easy...

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:31:02 GMT

Today I woke up next to John.
We finished watching the movie 21,
(which took us three nights of falling asleep to enjoy.)
I drove him to work and went home to plan my day.
After calling a few people, I left to pick up Jessy and Jeremy.
We took advantage of a McDonalds drive through mistake.
Three dollars got us one big mac, one chicken nugget, three fries,
one snack wrap, three drinks, and one cheeseburger.
Feeling full, we decided it was a good day to go swimming.
Within two hours we finally made it to New Paltz.
We met two girls, Anne and Emma, and the five of us hiked to find a waterfall.
mission accomplished.
Jessy, Jeremy and I smoked two bowls and swam under a 60 foot waterfall.
Afterwards, we went out for ice cream and I dropped them off at home.
From there, I picked up John from work and we headed home.
We watched tv with the family for a little bit and then we had sweaty, hot sex.
We both fell asleep a good half an hour and then I drove home.

Today was a wonderful, enjoyable, relaxing day.
I listened to mostly Sumblime and the radio.
I am very exhausted.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:01:42 GMT

I've been to the top of Marijuana Mountain.
Thank You, John Nolan.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 04:02:18 GMT

Sometimes things get better, and sometimes things go crashing into oblivion.
John and I are the better part.
My new favorite game is strip Mario Kart.
I slept over his house all weekend.
I'm going to his little sisters birthday party tomorrow.
School is the crashing into oblivion part.
I haven't been going, I haven't even gave enough effort to care.
I'm going to email a few select teachers to ask to withdraw.
But first I need to talk to financial aid to see if I even can withdraw.
This whole trying to keep it all hushush from my parents is hard.
I met my new manager today.
He's a colored man with a heavy spanish accent and lots of optimism for the store.
He seemed excited and willing to cooperate with everyone.
But, It did help that our district manager loves me to death,
I'm not scared of those that are higher ranked on the Starbucks unhealthy food chain.
They're just people.

Other than all that, I would like to receive phone calls from the following people,
whenever the time is convenient for them:
Jessica McDaniel.
Kimberly O'Brien.
Emma Erickson.

I would like to catch up via phone or in person and have some fun.

puddin-tush blades. hahahaha

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:51:19 GMT

I've never been interested in college.
Sure, I attend on a random sort of basis, but reaching to the goal of an associates,
never gave me the strength to continue and try.
However, after brainstorming with Ari Duke,
I now know what I want to do.

I talked to an advisor from the Art Institute of Michgan yesterday.
I have a virtual tour and interview on Firday at 3 pm.
I'm going to attend their Baking and Culinary Program.
Maybe not Michigan, but a culinary school.

My brother is failing out of Geneseo.
He has some sort of depression or somthing and can't seem to believe in himself.
I told him everyone feels that way and that his lack of trying is because he's lazy.
I'm the same exact way, I know.
And after brainstorming with Doug, we both realized that culinary school
is where we want to be.We could have our own apartament and make some delicious meals.
And eventually, open up our own Bakery/ Cafe.
Ari would be in charge of the coffee and espresso.
I would have the goodies.

I can really see it.
I can really see Doug and I living together.
I think I'm finally taking a move on my life,
and it feels god damn great.

Think I can do it?